thoughts on usefulness

i guess its a human need to feel useful......to feel needed and wanted.
have to admit its one thing i dont feel, esp lately.
i dont imagine that anyone does it deliberately but lately ive very much felt like an afterthought, and all the saying that "youre not an afterthought" really cuts no ice cos frankly all i have to go on is actions and they say that yes you are
example...........i used to take a trip down to hammieville every month or so to pick up food for my rats and pick up anything else that had to come up to Ak......sweet. Asked one mate if she wanted to come down several times, she always couldnt for whatever reason, tho i usually have another mate along for company. i enjoyed doing it, enjoyed the drive and feeling like i was contributing something however small. That mate has now started to go down herself every couple of weeks, which kinda leaves me feeling a bit of a dick, cos while i still enjoy the trip down it seems a bit pathetic to do it myself when shes doing the same one the week b4....yes i know theres no reason why i cant do it too, but it just seems to me that i look kinda dumb.......its important to me tho......a chance to get out and away from ak for a few hours.
shes also never asked me if i want to go with them, just my other mate who goes every time ;)
just the sense of a lack of inclusion makes me feel useless...................its not even a matter of being able to go.....most times i prob wouldnt, and i still prefer to go myself, but its a matter of being asked.........of being included.
same mate, every time she goes to the vets has an entourage lol......thats ok, i can understand that, i hate going to the vet myself......she tho has a husband who supports her, and kids, whereas i go on my own, and its almost like im expected to b able to cope, while others get all the support....now that IS a tad self indulgent cos i DO get support there, but its usually at a distance, tho theres also the fact that a while back id have been told when one of hers went to the vet, now i only hear about it 2nd hand, thru this other mate who also always goes to the vets with them as well lol
HES the one that has told me that i have to "talk" to her...........well whats there to say? ive been told that she "likes and respects you".......has a funny way of showing it, since it appears that shed rather have him around than me(and thats not self pity, just observation), and hell if thats the case then so b it, im really not interested in horning in where im not wanted
i dont expect people to put me first at all, but the odd bone would b nice ;) just being informed of whats happening now and then would b good.
course hes also the one that apologised the other nite for being incommunicado saying that another mate had been round then her and so on, and while i understand that, hes never avoided answering txts from anyone when im around ROFL.................tho i can guess why in this case ;)
least he apologised i guess LOL
oh and just in case this makes me sound like a kiddie having a tanty(lol and reading back i have to admit it does a bit....ok mayb a bit more than a bit, but this IS a blog and tanties is what theyre here for lol) i have to say i do find it kinda funny, not only the situation but also the way that people leap to deny it
still it all combines to make me feel very much on the outer, like i only ever get told anything thru him, and am usually the last one to know anything and really, having to ASK isnt the point is it? cos if you have to ASK, it means that NO, no one DID think of you at all lol which kinda proves my point
anyway i feel better 4 having got that off my chest

Reflections on the Nature of Love
heheh i was told the other day that id been "moaning that no one loves me"
lol well i had been and im sure id been making a pain of myself in doing so, whilst i was depressed, but on looking at the statement i have to say that its true
no one DOES love me......well other than my animals that is
My parents dont really....im sure im a huge disappointment to my mother and the rest of them cant stand me(which is good cos i cant stand them either LOL), i dont have a relationship, and only have a few friends who while im sure would miss me(eventually) if i vanished tomorrow, have thier own lives to live..............a good example was during my last depressive jag when the concerted response was to back away with a couple of notable exceptions lol................and that ofc meant that i leant on them rather hard and prob scared them away too.....story of my life im afraid ;)
i dont think its particularly self pitying to accept that as fact...andi can understand it too in a way. it DOES sound whiney and self pitying, even when its not, and i guess it DOES seem really negative. I dont MEAN to be negative, but its hard not to b when all your experiences r negative
not to mention the fact that people scare me..................not physically, but emotionally. Everyone assumes that cos im a big girl i should b tough, but im not really, or rather im not in some situations........i try my best but im kinda fragile at times. Animals dont hurt you like people do, and they dont judge you when youre erratic and gawd knows i can b that at times
LOL the funny thing about it all is that people assume that im negative about it, and sometimes i am, but if theyd just give me a chance i really cant keep that up for long(lol tho dont ask anyone that i spoke to during the last bad patch, cos im SURE it seemed endless to them), without having to laugh about it.....my sense of humour isnt often gone for long
i really wish i could just accept people and what they say....i REALLY wish i could believe that people really care, but i dont find that easy, tho why the hell id think theyd bother to lie i dont really know either ;)
i guess i should b grateful that i at least have my animals......theyre really the only reason i have to get up some days, and thier love is always there for me
and im grateful to those people that DO put up with me.............heheh i know i can b good company when im up, tho prob not nearly so much when on the downers LOL
its a pity that people are designed to need love, to need to b needed, when so few of us are.