slutted

ok bit slagged off today. a mate txtd me yesterday.....now this particular friend i saw every day last week but hadnt heard hide nor hair of all this week, so in reply i just sent back "*falls over in shock* so youre TALKING to me?? wow" or words to that effect...................it was a JOKE, both about the things id been upset about over the week, and the fact that id been over there constantly.
well man.........talk about check about your sense of humour at the door.
well first of all i get the "u cant have me all the time..." line, to which i replied that A: i didnt want him all the time, cos both he and I would go nuts and id have to kill him(note the JOKING tone here), and B: i wasnt the one that was there EVERY day of the week so he was talking to the wrong person
to which he agreed, then i added just as a laugh "yeah i just get leftovers"
the reply to that was "you are what you make yourself"
i mean wtf?
ive never believed that in any case......its basically a cop out.....things HAPPEN, you can only respond to them........yes your choice of HOW to respond is yours, but you dont CHOOSE to have bad shit happen to you, no one does
by this stage i was thinking, ok here we go.........and there we went lol
i replied that i didnt feel the need to force myself on anyone, and if people didnt want to associate with me that was thier choice
he goes "people do want to associate with you" then in the next txt goes"people just dont like the depressing morose vibe youre been spreading"
oooo kay......so they DO want to associate with me and they DONT want to associate with me....is it just me or does that not make sense?
not to mention that i havent BEEN depressed for at least a week (tho convos like this one were trying hard to remedy that!)
AND that this was mr "you are what you make yourself" but apparently that only applies to ME, cos others can quite happily blame being depressed on me
i know i sound pissed off here....thats cos i AM
im getting VERY tired of my depression being thrown up every time im less than little miss sunshine
i DID ask him how the hell i was depressing anyone when NO one is talking to me and i hadnt talked to anyone much in weeks, but i got no reply
so the theory seems to b that i should b happy and cheerful ALL the bloody time, and then people will magically talk to me........these are btw the same people that havent bothered in the last month or so, cos im "soooo depressing"
it also seems to b their thought that a really good way to deal with someone with depression and bad self image is to ignore them........yeah theres a thought, make her feel better about herself by IGNORING her........fuck!!
and all this cos of a JOKE......hello!!??!!
i joke about things to help me come to terms with them, but it seems im not allowed to do that or "no one will talk" to me..............im not "allowed" to do ANYTHING that will "depress" anyone, nevermind that their reaction has lengthened and deepened my depressive episode, but never mind MY feelings.....bloody emotional blackmail!!
ok call me weird but i NEED human contact.....at home i have NO one to talk to, and tbh the most intelligent convo ive had there has been with my cat
i fight my way out of my depressions myself, i always have and it seems i always will....was it so wrong to look to outside for help just this once? apparently so.......im REALLY regretting opening up about it now, cos i can just see this happening again and again
man i can feel that black hole opening up again.................but im fighting it i really DONT want to b depressed but i also feel like i cant win here....its always gonna b my fault
and then just to cap it all off, i txtd later with just some daft comment about a wolf spider and he was just fine *headscratch*
i guess cos i wasnt being "depressing" ???? fucked if i know
I dont want to lose another friend over this...ive already in spite of what HE might think, lost one who from what i can see just isnt interested...thats up to her i guess
i dont want to lose another....i enjoy the little buggers company even if he DOES make me want to pound my head into walls at times....and more to the point HIS head into walls ROFL, but theres no point if he doesnt enjoy mine.....even when i have no idea what im doing thats a problem
"le sigh" why the hell are people so complicated?
see this is why i prefer my animals....they either like you or they dont and they make that plain to you
k rant over..............lol bout time too i guess ;)