slutted

ok bit slagged off today. a mate txtd me yesterday.....now this particular friend i saw every day last week but hadnt heard hide nor hair of all this week, so in reply i just sent back "*falls over in shock* so youre TALKING to me?? wow" or words to that effect...................it was a JOKE, both about the things id been upset about over the week, and the fact that id been over there constantly.
well man.........talk about check about your sense of humour at the door.
well first of all i get the "u cant have me all the time..." line, to which i replied that A: i didnt want him all the time, cos both he and I would go nuts and id have to kill him(note the JOKING tone here), and B: i wasnt the one that was there EVERY day of the week so he was talking to the wrong person
to which he agreed, then i added just as a laugh "yeah i just get leftovers"
the reply to that was "you are what you make yourself"
i mean wtf?
ive never believed that in any case......its basically a cop out.....things HAPPEN, you can only respond to them........yes your choice of HOW to respond is yours, but you dont CHOOSE to have bad shit happen to you, no one does
by this stage i was thinking, ok here we go.........and there we went lol
i replied that i didnt feel the need to force myself on anyone, and if people didnt want to associate with me that was thier choice
he goes "people do want to associate with you" then in the next txt goes"people just dont like the depressing morose vibe youre been spreading"
oooo kay......so they DO want to associate with me and they DONT want to associate with me....is it just me or does that not make sense?
not to mention that i havent BEEN depressed for at least a week (tho convos like this one were trying hard to remedy that!)
AND that this was mr "you are what you make yourself" but apparently that only applies to ME, cos others can quite happily blame being depressed on me
i know i sound pissed off here....thats cos i AM
im getting VERY tired of my depression being thrown up every time im less than little miss sunshine
i DID ask him how the hell i was depressing anyone when NO one is talking to me and i hadnt talked to anyone much in weeks, but i got no reply
so the theory seems to b that i should b happy and cheerful ALL the bloody time, and then people will magically talk to me........these are btw the same people that havent bothered in the last month or so, cos im "soooo depressing"
it also seems to b their thought that a really good way to deal with someone with depression and bad self image is to ignore them........yeah theres a thought, make her feel better about herself by IGNORING her........fuck!!
and all this cos of a JOKE......hello!!??!!
i joke about things to help me come to terms with them, but it seems im not allowed to do that or "no one will talk" to me..............im not "allowed" to do ANYTHING that will "depress" anyone, nevermind that their reaction has lengthened and deepened my depressive episode, but never mind MY feelings.....bloody emotional blackmail!!
ok call me weird but i NEED human contact.....at home i have NO one to talk to, and tbh the most intelligent convo ive had there has been with my cat
i fight my way out of my depressions myself, i always have and it seems i always will....was it so wrong to look to outside for help just this once? apparently so.......im REALLY regretting opening up about it now, cos i can just see this happening again and again
man i can feel that black hole opening up again.................but im fighting it i really DONT want to b depressed but i also feel like i cant win here....its always gonna b my fault
and then just to cap it all off, i txtd later with just some daft comment about a wolf spider and he was just fine *headscratch*
i guess cos i wasnt being "depressing" ???? fucked if i know
I dont want to lose another friend over this...ive already in spite of what HE might think, lost one who from what i can see just isnt interested...thats up to her i guess
i dont want to lose another....i enjoy the little buggers company even if he DOES make me want to pound my head into walls at times....and more to the point HIS head into walls ROFL, but theres no point if he doesnt enjoy mine.....even when i have no idea what im doing thats a problem
"le sigh" why the hell are people so complicated?
see this is why i prefer my animals....they either like you or they dont and they make that plain to you
k rant over..............lol bout time too i guess ;)

Hmmmm

looking back on what ive written over the last month or so i have to say that i think its DEF time i started working on my shielding again
my problem isnt so much that i hate people or that i dont care, but rather that i care TOO much.....that people overwhelm me, and like most empathic people i can find myself in the throes of emotions that i dont even understand.
traditional methods of shielding can help with that to a degree, tho i suck at visualisation, but they at least put a buffer btwn me and the world.
an extra layer of skin you might say, when i dont seem to have any at all, and seem to have my nerves on the outside, which is distinctly uncomfortable, not only for me but for those close enough to experience the fallout ;)
that should at least ease off the constant overreaction im having to the slightest things, and at least get me off the backs of the few people whove put up with me
LOL which has gotta be a good thing im sure theyd agree

thoughts on usefulness

i guess its a human need to feel useful......to feel needed and wanted.
have to admit its one thing i dont feel, esp lately.
i dont imagine that anyone does it deliberately but lately ive very much felt like an afterthought, and all the saying that "youre not an afterthought" really cuts no ice cos frankly all i have to go on is actions and they say that yes you are
example...........i used to take a trip down to hammieville every month or so to pick up food for my rats and pick up anything else that had to come up to Ak......sweet. Asked one mate if she wanted to come down several times, she always couldnt for whatever reason, tho i usually have another mate along for company. i enjoyed doing it, enjoyed the drive and feeling like i was contributing something however small. That mate has now started to go down herself every couple of weeks, which kinda leaves me feeling a bit of a dick, cos while i still enjoy the trip down it seems a bit pathetic to do it myself when shes doing the same one the week b4....yes i know theres no reason why i cant do it too, but it just seems to me that i look kinda dumb.......its important to me tho......a chance to get out and away from ak for a few hours.
shes also never asked me if i want to go with them, just my other mate who goes every time ;)
just the sense of a lack of inclusion makes me feel useless...................its not even a matter of being able to go.....most times i prob wouldnt, and i still prefer to go myself, but its a matter of being asked.........of being included.
same mate, every time she goes to the vets has an entourage lol......thats ok, i can understand that, i hate going to the vet myself......she tho has a husband who supports her, and kids, whereas i go on my own, and its almost like im expected to b able to cope, while others get all the support....now that IS a tad self indulgent cos i DO get support there, but its usually at a distance, tho theres also the fact that a while back id have been told when one of hers went to the vet, now i only hear about it 2nd hand, thru this other mate who also always goes to the vets with them as well lol
HES the one that has told me that i have to "talk" to her...........well whats there to say? ive been told that she "likes and respects you".......has a funny way of showing it, since it appears that shed rather have him around than me(and thats not self pity, just observation), and hell if thats the case then so b it, im really not interested in horning in where im not wanted
i dont expect people to put me first at all, but the odd bone would b nice ;) just being informed of whats happening now and then would b good.
course hes also the one that apologised the other nite for being incommunicado saying that another mate had been round then her and so on, and while i understand that, hes never avoided answering txts from anyone when im around ROFL.................tho i can guess why in this case ;)
least he apologised i guess LOL
oh and just in case this makes me sound like a kiddie having a tanty(lol and reading back i have to admit it does a bit....ok mayb a bit more than a bit, but this IS a blog and tanties is what theyre here for lol) i have to say i do find it kinda funny, not only the situation but also the way that people leap to deny it
still it all combines to make me feel very much on the outer, like i only ever get told anything thru him, and am usually the last one to know anything and really, having to ASK isnt the point is it? cos if you have to ASK, it means that NO, no one DID think of you at all lol which kinda proves my point
anyway i feel better 4 having got that off my chest

Reflections on the Nature of Love
heheh i was told the other day that id been "moaning that no one loves me"
lol well i had been and im sure id been making a pain of myself in doing so, whilst i was depressed, but on looking at the statement i have to say that its true
no one DOES love me......well other than my animals that is
My parents dont really....im sure im a huge disappointment to my mother and the rest of them cant stand me(which is good cos i cant stand them either LOL), i dont have a relationship, and only have a few friends who while im sure would miss me(eventually) if i vanished tomorrow, have thier own lives to live..............a good example was during my last depressive jag when the concerted response was to back away with a couple of notable exceptions lol................and that ofc meant that i leant on them rather hard and prob scared them away too.....story of my life im afraid ;)
i dont think its particularly self pitying to accept that as fact...andi can understand it too in a way. it DOES sound whiney and self pitying, even when its not, and i guess it DOES seem really negative. I dont MEAN to be negative, but its hard not to b when all your experiences r negative
not to mention the fact that people scare me..................not physically, but emotionally. Everyone assumes that cos im a big girl i should b tough, but im not really, or rather im not in some situations........i try my best but im kinda fragile at times. Animals dont hurt you like people do, and they dont judge you when youre erratic and gawd knows i can b that at times
LOL the funny thing about it all is that people assume that im negative about it, and sometimes i am, but if theyd just give me a chance i really cant keep that up for long(lol tho dont ask anyone that i spoke to during the last bad patch, cos im SURE it seemed endless to them), without having to laugh about it.....my sense of humour isnt often gone for long
i really wish i could just accept people and what they say....i REALLY wish i could believe that people really care, but i dont find that easy, tho why the hell id think theyd bother to lie i dont really know either ;)
i guess i should b grateful that i at least have my animals......theyre really the only reason i have to get up some days, and thier love is always there for me
and im grateful to those people that DO put up with me.............heheh i know i can b good company when im up, tho prob not nearly so much when on the downers LOL
its a pity that people are designed to need love, to need to b needed, when so few of us are.

randomness

ROFL on an entirely unrelated note, im almost outta cigs!!!!

now THAT sucks....or doesnt suck as the case may be lol

b interesting to see how i go without them since ive just started back with the buggers lol........either that or ill have to bail up the only other smoker i know and beat cigs outta him.....which is fair cos i gave him ciggies last time ROFL

just trawling thru my work comp and found some images id forgotten i had, including this EXTREMELY cute pic of one of the boys when he was a baby :).....hard to believe they were that small once...still very cute tho even tho hes at least 3 times that size now lol

lol also found my sth park avatar.....its def me lol not that ive had a beer in my hot lil mitt for quite some time

speaking of mitts just got mine slapped, well kinda, on a forum i mod on............well it was a blanket comment from the site boss about being "vehement" lol
to be totally frank tho i cant really see the point in being PC with some people. Theyre not listening and they dont care unless you shake them up some *sighs* ESPecially when the welfare of someones animals is at stake......im sorry but in that case my feeling is you call a spade a spade and not a metallic garden grooming implement but meh...

ho hum........i really hate work. Not really the job as such, but the sense of dislocation i get from being stuck AT work. I have several friends and accquaintances who dont work, and i always have this sense of being left out, of MISSING out, tho that might just be cos i can be a nosey tart lol. Id LOVE to be able to spend my days looking after my animals, but i dont have anyone to support that, or me, and way too many bills to be able to just drop work. Id love to study again, but with shift work and the beasties and the morons i live with, and the fact that i barely break even financially as it is, thats not really an option either, so im kinda stuck with it. I guess there are worse jobs out there....i get told to quit cos im really not very happy, but then again it pays well and id be REALLY unhappy if i had the bailiffs at the door ;)
since i was at work yesterday(also) i asked someone to get in touch with the friend with the rat going in for biopsy yesterday and see how it went....said he would but im guessing he got caught up having a good time cos he didnt get back in touch, so i contacted her myself today.......not good news :( tho then we didnt expect it to be
makes me sad, and brings to mind the whole bday thing. Someone was celebrating the bday of thier rats the other day...........said that they had been told by a wise person that "it was a celebration of thier lives and the time they had spent with him"
well i guess im not wise lol, not that thats news ;)
to me the dates dont matter...........hell i dont even keep track of my OWN bdays..every DAY is a celebration esp with animals like rats with such short lives.........the number of days doesnt matter, just that theyre there, but there again i guess im outta step with the rest of the world there as usual ;)
i suppose most people need some sort of landmark against which to measure things
on another note entirely, after a battle to get into the kitchen last nite at home im yet again convinced that i HAVE to move..............prob is how
it costs to move, and i cant afford that....bond, rent in advance, rental of moving gear not to mention the TIME it takes, tho that has to be balanced against the fact that im going insane living where i am lol
another random thought....my bloody jaw aches lol
damn infected tooth....and YES i should get it seen to, but i cant afford to atm.......lol yet another thing for the back burner

things that make you go *$^%&#

LOL well there arent too many today..........actually if i had to describe today id say..........*yawn*
its been a pretty dull one. Other than work ive had very little contact with anyone today.
most of the people i usually talk to are busy, so all up its been fairly tedious. smoked too much and havent eaten enough LOL tho i did have an apple so i havent been TOTALLY bad
im hopeing that one friend who was taking her rat to the vet today has good news, tho i doubt it :(
on the up side i HAVE managed to change this week to all 7 am starts which beats the shit outta 8 am, mainly cos trying to get across town at that hour can take up to 2 HOURS!!!
at least with a 7 am start i can get here in 20 mins and be gone by 3
lol that IS ofc assuming that i have enough gas to get here for the rest of the fortnite ;)..got $30.00 in the bank so hopefully thatll do it....if not im screwed, which is prob the closest im gonna get to a screw anyway ROFL
spent all day yesterday cleaning cages so at least i know that the boys are nice and clean.....ish lol
im also trying to be good and not bug my mate who has, god knows, had to put up with me rather more than any person should ROFL....its really not fair to lay the responsibility for quelling my insecurities on him, not to mention that having to put up with me for any length of time is enough to drive a saint nuts......and while hes many things canonisation isnt one hes up for lol
he tells me that its not a prob, but i find it hard to believe..........im not exactly scintillating company lol, even tho ill grant ya, im not the worst company either
i still have to take some pics of the lastest rattie additions to the mischief as well, tho gawd knows when im gonna manage that...have to be some time when i dont have the family from hell bitching constantly


youre weary
so tired of chasing will o the whisps
that turn to mist
if you capture them
where you looking for me?
when you looked into the dark
braving the cold
or peered into the light
making your eyes run with tears
when you travelled the world
and looked in every book
were you seeking me?
always so busy looking
and now finally you sit
head in hands
finally quiet enough to hear
listen to me listen to me play your heart
the drumbeat of your life
listen to me sing in your blood
the rushing in your veins
listen to me whisper in your ear
now youre quiet enough to hear
ive been talking to you
all your life
ive always been here

the worst thing about coming out of a depression is looking at what a twat youve made of yourself DURING the depression lol
that doesnt mean that anything that ive written here during that time isnt true, just that a lot of it isnt true NOW when i have my sense of balance back, or perhaps not true to the degree that it felt at the time
lol in fact i got told by a friend that i kinda lost it...........i wouldnt go that far but i have to say i was pretty...........unbalanced..........in my outlook
on the upside, went out petshop browsing a couple of days ago, with the same friend who is, quite frankly, a rat whore lol, which he freely admits, and found a lovely lil agouti hooded boy who now glories in the name Bean Sidhe (banshee)..............lol even so i couldnt keep up with mr rat hoarder extrodinaire who came out of it with TWO boys and then accquired another one the day after ROFL......have to admit tho, he was good enough to let me have the agouti boy who he knew i wanted. That said, he DOES have 2 gooties already himself lol, but it was nice of him to buy him for me, even tho the comment about "well ill buy him so you dont compromise your morals" DEF gave the other customer in the shop something to think about LOL
so i now have a nice little group of youngsters in my boys cage, Shade and Sable, the two black berks, Folly the black hooded, and Bean Sidhe the gootie hooded :)
nothing like new ratties to get you outta a funk......now all i have to do is find time and space to take some pics of them

Heartbeat
Can you hear it?
Deep within
The slow steady pulsing
Can you feel it?
The stately passage of time
Infinitely slow, yet indescribably fast
Do you remember?
How fleeting that moment was
As you touched my cheek
And do you recall?
The length of the aching moments
When we thought wed lost it all
Will you dance with me again?
On that razors edge
Between now and then
Will you sing to me softly?
To cover that tolling bell
And make each moment count
can you hold my hand in yours?
And never let go
Protecting me against the cold
Will we hear it together or alone?
that beat counting out lives
In the twin coins of regrets

who are you?
You ask…..you with the tear reddened eyes
You who wrap yourself around me
Feeling the chill of my hands on your body
The poison of my kiss
Seeping deep within you
Learning slowly to welcome the hardness that I bring
Your heart as cold and grey as stone in my arctic embrace
Turning your eyes to cold ice, and armouring you with indifference
Who am I?
I am the sound of a train whistle in the depths of an endless nite
When youre lost and so far from home
I'm the anguished howl of a dog, crying its loss to the world
I am the memory of that loved face……..forever lost
I'm the chill wind that blows from the future, bleak and cold
I was there when they cut you from your mother
And I will be there when you part this world
I am singular
I am deaths dark lover
I am the sister of Despair
I am Loneliness
And you, child
You are mine

The Gentleness of Despair
She sings“hush now child
you who sob so brokenly
your eyes red and swollen
you whose heart and soul is reviled

you whose fingers grope
to find some anchor in the dark
whose soul is bewildered
who has lost the spark of hope

listen to me sing so soft
let my voice soothe your fears
remember how this was?
Before everything was lost

Let me cover you in nothing
Let the silence balm your wounds
Ill keep you safe from harm
Tho it means I must clip your wings

Youll never taste the heat of the sun
Or be like Icaurus and fly
But you never fall and break youself
Your heart will never be undone

So stay here with me little one
Stay safe and away from danger
Here in the soothing dark
Away from the burning sun”

So runs despairs siren song
Every day I hear her whisper
I'm starting to wonder
Whether she really is wrong

when do you say its enough?
when do you decide that it hurts too much to be around people?
why the hell do people always let me down?
when the only thing i really need is human contact why the hell is it so hard to find?
why do i keep hanging on even tho its obvious that its not doing me or anyone else any good?
i feel like screaming, breaking things..........anything to remind myself that im really here
why the hell do i let people convince me that "yes you matter" only to have them prove with thier actions that thats really not the case?
shit......i dont want to feel like this.......it hurts
im scared shitless that the biopsy is gonna be bad news.........i dont want anything to happen to my boy..........and i have no one to talk to.........theres no one here
like thats anything new. Youd think id be used to it by now wouldnt you.....so like a total sad ass im writing to a blog, cos im too fucking sad to have actual people to talk to......pathetic
spose its better than smoking a whole pack of cigs.....marginally at least
its not anyones fault i know...........people have lives, i cant expect them to work around me. Not everyone is like me with nothing and no one. Theres always more important things than me and my whining.....i just feel so alone.....im on the edge of a cliff and itd be so easy to fall....i honestly dont know why i just dont. Just let go and fall.....it cant be worse than the pain of hanging on can it? what would it matter to anyone or anything? the animals would be taken care of and thats all that i care about
why do i get close to things, why do i let them in? they always get taken away, or leave..........which is life i guess........life sucks btw
why does it hurt so much?

cleaning is kinda never ending when you have animals.......good thing too cos its a great head clearing exercise, which is why im getting stuck in today. Well, that and the fact that when im depressed i kinda let things go a bit lol
Got told the other nite that "people really do care about you"
hmmmm well thats as may be, but considering im not a mindreader, all i have to go on is actions, and all i see is people backing away, not including me in things, good or bad. How precisely this is supposed to help me feel less alone i have no idea......just a hint? it dont lol
i know that i dont know what theyre thinking, thats kinda the point really........if no one tells me, how am i supposed to know?
and yeah i DO tend to think the worst, but when youve spent your whole life being told that youre useless and talentless and lazy and ugly and no one will ever want you.......well then ya DO tend to do that.......and hell they were right about the no one will ever want you so maybe theyre right about the rest of it? who knows *shrug*
i guess i can see the point of not including me in anything bad, but hell, im good at bad lol. Im not about to fall apart because of a crisis......i MIGHT if everyone continues exclude me from them tho. Being good with my animals is really my only skill, the only thing that im good at.........take that away and you might as well shoot me now
and yes as someone said to me the other day, people DO need to feel needed. Right now people are making me feel like if i vanished tomorrow, theyd be sad but things wouldnt change much cos lets be honest, im not involved anyway. My animals would miss me but im sure that others would pick that up so i guess even they wouldnt miss me for long(which is a good thing btw)
but it still hurts
anyway enough self pity.....for want of anything else to do, i have washing(and no dryer and its raining....should be fun lol) and cages to clean and other cages to put away etc etc lol
better get on

well just spent the last 4 hours arguing with my mate about one of my rats. Poor boy has a lump on his back, that appears to just involve the skin.........doesnt seem to be any connection to the underlying tissues.

He wants me to take him to the vet, and normally i would, but with whats happened with me lately, having to pay $300.00 excess for the car, and BORROW $100.00 of that, and all the normal stuff i dont even have gas for the car until payday, so he offered to pay something. This is the guy thats got a girl going in for a spay on thurs and has just offered to pay half for the surgery for a rat in the rescue as well. Well i finally had to give in...........ffs i WANT to take Griff to the vet, i just dont wanna bankrupt HIM in the process. Ive always managed, ive always been expected to manage and ive always been alone.......i should be able to do this. And i have a bad feeling about this. I dont know what im gonna do if anything happens to Griff........hes one of my special boys.....on top of losing Daggs and Norbs itll kill me :(

but i also feel terrible about taking money off other people too........i SHOULD be able to do this myself. I dont DO needy *sighs* plus the fact that im not that sure about my vets ability to do a lump removal surgery

some more poems

this one i guess you could say is about suicide............or perhaps its about transcendence......tbh im not sure

Moths
Look at the candle flame
That we circle like moths
Flirting with its heat
Weaving our fluttering paths
Around the centre
Wanting to be part of it
To give ourselves over
But afraid of the pain
And unable to face the dark
Do moths ever fear
I wonder
That incandescent moment
of self immolation
When they and the flame become one?
Do moths have second thoughts?

Two Faces
There are two faces in my mirror,
One is me……..that’s my smile,
My cooly self depreciating laugh
Those are my eyes,
And the glossy coating is intact
Unbreached
No hint of whats inside
The other does not smile,
Nor laugh,
Her eyes flinch from mine,
Red with weeping,
But watchful,
Like a caged cat
She says I should know her,
This frightened, wild creature
Look at me, she pleads
I'm dying …….
I wish I could avoid mirrors

blah day

well im working too which really doesnt help with blah lol
random thoughts
#1: i was chatting to a friend the other nite and he said something that made me laugh...
he said i was a "great person" or words to that effect lol
now while im not about to complain about that.....hell its better than bitch queen from hades ;) it does amuse me that the only people to tell me this(4 so far) have always been the ones that wouldnt touch me(or someone like me) with a 10 foot barge pole lol.............kinda grass is greener in reverse i guess *shrugs*
that said i have to say that all the people that HAVE said that to me have always been people that i like and respect a great deal so i guess its all good....just kinda funny :)
and its nice to know that some people at least do think im ok, even when im being my worst, which is when i cant really see anything good about me at all.....depression makes a lousy mirror
#2: why is it that when i get down about being alone people assume i want to go out and find a "man" lol..........funnily enough that isnt really it. Its more to do with why......id love to know why i dont seem to be able to attract anything but wankers....especially if im a "great person" lol ...i guess i cant complain too much tho, i do have some wonderful friends. Friends cant always be there tho, they have thier own shit to deal to. TBH most of the time it amuses me, and when it doesnt im already so down it doesnt matter too much. It would be nice to be special to someone, to be the most important thing in someones life tho. Having said that ive also been on the end of obsession too tho, and that sucks in a big way also so i guess i cant win, if anyone ever does lol.
#3: WHY oh why does the place i work have to have the airconditioning on, at nite, in the middle of winter? its like a bloody fridge in here lol.
#4: why do people seem to think that pets are disposable? it drives me insane that people can turn around and "rehome" thier pets when things get a bit tough. OK i do accept that sometimes its the best thing, but in most cases its not.....its simply a matter of convenience. my animals are my family(gods know my actual family isnt that much to write home about, the pets are DEF an improvement)

ok rant over lol.......think im finally starting to come out of my latest depression which is a relief. In spite of what it might seem its horrible feeling so bad, so bleak, so ill be glad to see the back of it :)

been thinking lately that i should get my pencils out and do some work...trouble is ofc that the last thing ya wanna do when your down is............well, pretty much anything really ;)

im a little erratic with art anyway, working furiously one minute and not touching it for months or years the next

anyway some drawings.... the horse is Dibah, the nieces QH mare and the LOTR stuff is from when i was admin on a LOTR site back in the days of Tolkien hype

some rattie pics

this is Spike, my special dove boy, just over a year old

Daggett my gooti boy who passed recently.......i fought so hard to keep him with me, but it wasnt to be....god i hate pneumonia

heheh my girls, nosey and outgoing

this came about cos everyone calls me catz.......just seemed appropriate

So here I sit
Hunting words
As feline as my namesake
Lying in wait
For that perfect phrase
So I can snag it with my paws
Pounce like cat on mouse
With the tip of my tail twitching
My whiskers quivering
Waiting, waiting
And sometimes the words are elusive
Sometimes theyre wily prey
Hiding in a fog
Amorphous and diffuse
So then I curl up
Sleeping quietly
With one ear pricked
And moonlight eyes slitted
To catch them
Sooner or later

and this one came to mind yesterday when i was being told off for saying i felt invisible LOL...thing is ofc while my HEAD might know that im not, its my feelings that im dealing with, and theyre not so easily convinced

Shadow
when did i become invisible i wonder?
i used to be seen im sure
im certain people used to see me
but now they dont
so i slip thru thier lives
just a shadow
never really there
nothing but a stray thought
or a fragment of dream
dont you see me?
im still here
but my voice sounds thin
even to my ears
so i fall silent

a short story

this was kinda a reflection on being different, and on fables and fairytales and the way stories are like the fires that people gathered around, to shelter from the huge darkness around them.......and how some people arent meant to be bright and shining, and thats ok

The Tale of the Dark Star
Come sit by the fire dearly beloved and I shall tell you a tale of long ago and far away, when the dream was still being dreamt and the gods still walked the earth
When all the world was still words that had not yet fallen from the creators lips, like honey from the comb
Come into the light and sit with me….can you hear the small beasts drawing near to listen?
Creeping close to the fire, into the circle
Come listen to the tale of the dark star
See him now………a dark stranger walking up to the fires of the people, hair and face and clothing all strange, tho with a light in his eyes………hear as he calls to them
“a tale for a meal and a place to rest my bones for a space”
watch as they make space for him at the fire, for in those days dearly beloved, a teller of tales was honoured as a weaver of magics, and a spinner of webs
watch as the women shyly press food upon him as he settles, supple, cross legged by the fire………is that the fire light that makes his eyes glitter? Perhaps…
listen now as he tells a tale……….the very tale that I am now telling you
“long ago and far away, when the dream was still being dreamt and the gods walked the earth……………..then the stars did not burn, and they were not fixed in place in the heavens…………they clustered instead together, talking and laughing as good friends and kin do, and sometimes they sang, voices of pure beauty lifted to the sky, and they were content
but men were not…………for the dark of nite was then VERY dark, especially when lady moon hid her face and men would get lost in the nite time………and they cried out to the creator and said “why must we get lost and injured in the nite? You are the creator………….give us something to light the dark with.
And the creator looked down and saw that indeed men were getting hurt and lost in the dark, and he pondered, but no solution presented itself………..so the creator took himself off to listen to the stars singing which he loved greatly
And a thought came to him…………a thought perhaps unworthy of a creator dearly beloved, but men can be such a trial, and they did not stop pestering, as children will when they want sweets
And he thought, if these stars were lit and placed in the heavens they would stop the man complaining……….and if they were placed apart, they would have to sing to each other, and then I would hear their sweet voices
Now tho he WAS a kindly being dearly beloved, the creator was being driven to distraction by the complaints of men, and he truly didn’t think of what being apart would mean to the companionable stars, so he called the leaders of the stars to him and told them what he had decided
That they would burn bright and true and beautiful in the heavens, for thousands of lifetimes…..that their songs would be heard , by those with the ears to hear……that they would be admired for their beauty and wonder by men
But one star did not trust the creator, and he listened when the others sang……..and he heard dearly beloved, the musings of the creator, how far apart each of his kin should be from the other to make them sing………..and when his kin all agreed to the creators plan, without any of them discovering his plan to keep them all separate, he resolved that this, my dearest, would NOT happen to him
And so as each of his people were set to burning , brightly, and beautifully, he hid, and as the last one blazed into beauty incandescent, he cried out to them “do you not feel the fire in your flesh? Do you not see that the creator has more to his plan than he is saying?, can you not see that he wants us only to serve men and to soothe him with our voices??”
And his people laughed, their voices a harmony both beautiful and terrible, saying “yes there is pain dark one, but it is quickly over and OH to be fire” and their voices raised in song and the dark one almost weakened....
Almost begged to be a part of the wondrous harmony, but just at that moment dearly beloved, the creator turned his eye upon them and saw the dark star, and the Dark star looked the creator in the eye and said “no”
Just that dearly beloved, just that one word……..and the creator, as you may imagine, was dumbfounded, since it is not usual for ones creatures to argue when you are the creator
And he told the dark star how his people would exist forever
And the dark star simply repeated “no”
And the creator grew angry with this recaltriant star and he stamped his foot…………and lo, dearly beloved, what do you think happened then??
Why all the burning stars flew into the heavens, and there, my dears, they stuck!!
But not in the regimented spacings that the creator had intended…..oh no, they were in companionable groups, some closer some further apart, but all in contact with each other, and the dark star laughed, and the bright stars sang to him of the wonders they could see.
And the creator looked at the dark star and his face was puzzled and the dark star smiled and said simply “some of us were not meant to burn bright” and he walked away”
The story teller looks up from the fire now, and those closest gasp, for there, deep in his eyes, infinitely deep, burn stars
“and it is said that the dark star walked among men from that day to this, telling his tale and tales that his brothers and sisters tell him from the sky, and that they sing to him and he sings back”
and with that the story teller puts down his bowl, thanks the women for the food and rises, walking off quietly into the star lit nite, away from the fire………but listen dearly beloved, do you hear a crystalline chorus of voices singing softly?
and if you listen VERY hard, perhaps you will hear a mans voice raised alone, in a dancng counterpoint.
And that is the tale of the dark star, and why the stars are where they are, dearly beloved
The story is spun the tale is told

Spike and Griffs 1st Bday

this was my boys first bday......not something i like to dwell on cos with only a 2-3 year life span i dont really like to think of them getting older

have had a rough time of it lately.....lost one of my rats, a boy that i worked SO hard to save. In a way im glad that he went peacefully, but it was enough to tip me over into depression
most people did what they normally do....backed off. Cept for one or two people.....i cant really blame people for doing that i guess, but im really glad that some managed to stick it out......its scary being in the dark hole without anyone to offer a helping hand. The ones that do are worth gold...i dunno if they realise just how much they mean

Inside im beautiful
Inside im all fires and gentleness
Strength and weakness
Wonder and knowledge
I have pains like wine
And pleasures of fire
Heights that are dizzying
And lows like the depths of hell
I have tenderness that overflows
resolve like cold iron
And a heart that bleeds
Too easily perhaps
I have eyes that see
And a soul that forgives
Inside im beautiful
But inside is not where youre looking